Earlier in February, I was involved in a group devotional called “Dangerous Prayers”. In this devotion, they challenged us to pray to God to break us so that we could live more fully in His will. Being a high-achieving, studious person, I took this challenge on and did just that. I prayed for God to break me. And He has. While life was going as smooth as could be the weeks prior, the weeks after this prayer were riddled with things that were far beyond my control. More bizarre, unexpected things occurred in 10 days after that prayer than had in the months or year prior. The biggest thing that I have needed God to break me from is my control and trust issues. These have been ever present since birth. Being an Enneagram Type 8, this is one the biggest things that I will always struggle with. Giving up control is the scariest thing that I can do. Although I’m not a worry wart like I was as a kid and I’ve learned just to give up control and not worry about the obvious things that are out of my control (things like hurricanes, pandemics, unexpected brain aneurysms, alien abductions, nuclear war, etc), I still struggle to give up control on the things I have the illusion of control with. Things like childcare and other childrearing decisions, family nutrition, how things are done and arranged in my home, decisions in my business both big and small, managing our family finances, etc I still grasp so tightly that I’m constantly on edge about them falling apart. I have the illusion that I am in control of these things because I can take obvious action steps to keep these things in order and prevent them from falling apart. But it is just that, an illusion. Even if I do every single thing right, I cannot control anybody besides myself and how others’ actions will impact my life, even if they are somebody I’ve never met and would never have a clue that they even could impact my life. God can also decide to throw a curveball to remind me that I am not in control and that I need to trust Him more and lean on Him.
One example that broke me last week was that my daughter’s current daycare suddenly and unexpectedly informed us last week that they were ending their program at the end of May. After months of stressing and thinking about where to send her and my unborn son, I decided that I would keep her in the program and put him there when he was 3 months old. Another significant factor in this situation that broke me was that the day we were informed of the unexpected ending was the last day that the 2 other places I was considering for childcare for the fall were completing their enrollment. This means that ALL of the spots for my children at the places I deemed acceptable for what I want for them and what works for my schedule were taken. I had the illusion of control in making the decision of where to place my children for care in the fall, but I had zero control in the decision that they were closing the program and the timeline they chose to do this. I never even considered it would be a possibility that they would close the program.
This was just one of more than 5 major events that “broke me” and truly allowed me to see that my sense of control is just an illusion and that I am creating my own prison with this illusion. At this time, I also happen to be consistently hearing messages in books, podcasts, etc about allowing. Allowing is a process of manifestation where you learn to stop blocking things with the attitude and beliefs you are putting out into the universe. My attitudes and beliefs that I can control the outcomes in my daily life are an energetic mismatch (think about magnets repelling each other) with allowing God, the universe, other people, etc to support me and give me what I need. I wear the superwoman cape of doing it all and being in control of all of it, which prevents me from being able to receive. When I push and attack tasks and decisions with brute force, I am blocking things from occurring spontaneously by telling God, the universe, and others that I don’t need their help. As much as my ego would like to think I don’t need anyone’s help, I truly do. While I was able to get by (although with unneeded stress on myself) with this mentality before having children, I have a daily struggle with this because I cannot possibly do it all and maintain my sanity as a mother. It is essential that I rely on others, but this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. However, it will ultimately be what sets me free from the prison I create by having this controlling mentality.
In order to start breaking the prison bars down, my goal and intention for the month of March is to Do Less & Allow More. It will not be easy, but it is essential for my mental health and for so many others, especially mothers. We want to have it all and do it all on our own, but this is not feasible or sustainable for anyone, no matter how goal-oriented and high achieving they are. My intention is that anytime I go to do something, make a decision, etc that I do a tiny bit less than I am ok with, so that I can allow God to fill in the rest. He will meet me where I am and give me what I need. I will do just a little bit less than I expect myself to do, let go just a little bit less of what I expect others to do on my terms and my way, and do a little bit less worrying and trying to control outcomes so that I can be a magnet to allow blessings to flow into my life. When we allow blessings and help to come forth, we usually get far more than we ever even imagined getting on our own. I challenge you to see where you can do just a little bit less so that you can allow just a little bit more.